A point I thought I’d never get to

If there’s one vlog you need to watch it’s this one below.
I can’t tell you how shocked I am by this. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I’d get to this point.

Watch this space though… The story doesn’t end here.

Sometimes bad shit happens

Sorry, I’ve been slacking on the blog posts of late. You’re probably wondering what’s been going on! Well, in all honestly I can say not a lot. And its good!
And I apologise too for the title of this post. It is the only title I could think of where it put my point across well. If you didn’t realise it already then my language is occasionally fruity but it’s honest.

I did manage to finally go away. I took a break to Switzerland for a few days. It’s nice to finally have a plan that sticks!

Today is a pretty important day for me. It’s scan day. I’ll have my CT scan with contrast to see what’s left… Or worst case, if there’s more. I’m not really thinking about it to be honest. It’s like Pandora’s box if I flip that lid. I’ll get round to the worry and sleepless nights on the lead up to results day. There’s a word in the cancer community that I hear a fair bit.

Scanxiety.

I fucking hate that word.

The anxiety of a scan.

It can be a range of things. Anxiety of the scan itself, the preparation of it or just the results. If you’re going through this yourself you’re guaranteed to experience scanxiety at some point. You’re a bloody tough nut if you don’t!

For me, the scan, the needles, the waiting, it’s fine. It’s a process. I can quite easily shut my emotions off for this part and just go with it. There’s nothing more I can do so I just kick back and let the medical staff do their work. I’m just another number in their day, and that’s the sad part. How many people they see each day doing pretty much the same thing.

You know, if there’s one thing I’ve learnt from all this its how to get a good game face. And I don’t mean for the treatment itself or the cancer. Some days you do have to fake it to get by but I don’t mean that.

I’m different these days. Aside from the obvious why I’m different… I mean it in ordinary scenarios in life. And I find that fucking annoying.

But people don’t realise I’m different because I still act the same, unless I talk to them about it. It’s all about my game face. I act the same but inside my world is crumbling.

You’re probably thinking that these scenarios are extreme or that maybe I should avoid putting myself in these situations. That’s probably what I would have said before this because I wouldn’t have understood. But I can’t. Sometimes they just creep up on you like “ah ah ah! Don’t get too comfortable with life! I’m just lurking round the corner to screw your life up again!”

A lot of my internal freak outs are to do with family and death. I know… Morbid.

I’ve always been rational but now I’m thinking of situations where something bad is going to happen or if its a real internal meltdown someone’s going to die.

You’re probably worried about my mental health right now. Honestly it’s fine. I talk about this to my close ones. They know about my lockdowns. They probably don’t realise how often I have to do it but they can’t hold my hand all the time. As I said… It’s a process and something I have to deal with in my new life. I don’t need a therapist as much as you may disagree with me.

It just pisses me off that I’m now thinking of shit I’ve never had to think of before. I could probably resolve this a lot quicker by going and talking to my doctor but I don’t need another pill to pop. It’s intruding my life but it’s not stopping me from living it.

It’s crazy how your mind can fuck you up at times… I actually thought as I stepped on that plane to Switzerland: this plane is going to crash. Not: finally, I’m going on holiday! I’ve never been worried of crashing planes before. That pisses me off. It tarnishes all exciting experiences for me now. I hope one day to get to a comfortable place where disaster is not the first thing I think of.

I guess my worries are because I’ve had cancer doesn’t mean that I’m immune to other bad situations occurring. Bad things happen in life and there is shit I can do to stop it.

Fucking scanxiety… Yeah that’s not all I’ve got!

A few from Switzerland 🇨🇭✌💜

Sunshine, blue skies and 3 more months

Sunshine and blue skies gets the best of us out of funky moods. I hope you all have a lovely weekend! Roll on the spring and summer! ✌🏻

Don’t be a dick to cancer prevention

Now I’m not someone who usually preaches to others on how they should live their lives but I came across something this week that just staggered me.
Women getting smear tests is at a new 20 year low 😱

Are some women just stupid? Or ignorant? With an “it’ll-never-happen-to-me” attitude.

Jo’s cervical cancer trust is doing a #smearforsmear campaign to promote the importance of gynae health. I cannot emphasise enough the importance of gynae health.

https://www.jostrust.org.uk/

beautyplus_20180125164427_save1244872153.jpg
My #smearforsmear – jumper an unintentional match! 😂

KNOW YOUR VAGINA!!!

As a beauty therapist, I can’t tell you the amount of bikini waxes I’ve done over the years. Hundreds. Maybe even thousands. You’ll make yourself look pretty but you won’t make sure your foo foo is in top notch condition?

That’s just stupid. You spend longer on my beauty couch then you actually do getting a smear test.

Well what’s the point in a pretty foo foo if you’re not gonna look after the whole of your body.

Now you may think I’m being over dramatic here when I say the whole of your body but that’s what it is. I had a gynaecological cancer but it’s now in my lungs. Chemo affects your whole body, Radiotherapy irritates your stomach, bowel, bladder. Would you rather that than 5 minutes in the doctors office?

Take it from someone who’s done a smear test. It’s simple. You go in, you drop your panties, nurse does their thing and boom. You’re done. It’s important. That’s it.

Now these days I’m a realist… You may not take my advice. And you may not care about my story and how my life has changed from cancer and that’s fine. It’s your choice. But you’re stupid if you ignore booking in for your test. It doesn’t bother me if you do it or not.

You can take the alternative instead if you ignore that reminder from the NHS or those silly little niggles that you never had before…

5+ Dr’s prodding and poking your vagina, putting fingers up your butt, operating with countless doctors and students getting a good view of you in all your glory when you’re knocked out! Yeah you might not know what they get up to and you may prefer it that way but you know more people have seen your down stairs in a week than ever before.

Case studies are done on your vagina. You’re now a student GP’s case that he talks about and learned from because you’re so “rare”.

No for me, I’m not your usual case. Not all symptoms of vaginal cancer related to me. The most obvious was the heavy bleeding. And I don’t mean just a heavy period. Big big clots the size of your palm. But I knew something wasn’t right.

So I went to my doctors. Now don’t get me wrong if something is not right you may have to fight. Don’t ever give up if you think something is not normal. December 11th was my first port of call to the doctors. January 10th was my official cancer diagnosis.

Doctors and nurses don’t care what you look like. Hairy, bald, clean, smelly, fat, thin, big or small. It’s all in their job. They signed up for it and they knew what they got themselves in for. It’s all in your head so get over it, buck up and get yourself booked in.

If there’s one thing you do today it is book in for your smear (if you’re a girl obviously, otherwise go tell a girl to do it 😉). And tell your friends to do it too. Pass the message on.

Oh also, donate blood when you can too!! I’m not asking for too much am I? 😂 Give blood!

Donate Blood

If you fancy a read and are actually concerned about your vaginal health, check out eve appeal they’re a charity that promotes the importance of gynae health and offers support and advice to those in need ❤️

The Eve Appeal

The happy pessimist

I got some good news for once this week. Chemo is working! My scan from last week has shown an excellent response. The chemo has reduced the size of the tumors and one is barely visible. With this news it will mean that I will continue with the rest of my planned chemotherapy treatments.

I should be happy, right?

And I’m pleased. I am. But I can’t exactly say I’m over the moon, bouncing from room to room, can’t stop smiling happy. And why you ask?

Because this isn’t the end.

Yes, it’s a good result. But how long for?

I told you last time, after the devastating results from my 3 month post treatment scan it’ll shit on any other happy news in the future. And it really has.

I’m pleased. I am. And I’m happy for my family and friends that they’re finally hearing something good… But it is definitely shadowed by the fact that this isn’t it. Even if it clears up after all of the chemotherapy and whatever treatment follows after, it won’t be the end.

It will most likely come back. It might not be straight away. It could be 5 months, a year, 5 years, 10 years or more but it will at some point return.

Until they figure out a way to completely eradicate it from my lymph or blood… Wherever it is travelling from, its not over.

I’m OK with this. I’d rather it wasn’t this way but I’ve accepted my fate in life. I’m still positive about my diagnosis. Don’t misconceive what I am saying. Just because the news before shat on every other bit of goodness now or in the future, I am still positive about my treatment. I feel good in myself and I won’t let that stop me from living how I want to live.

Its just… I don’t know… The big fat elephant in the room that’s staring me in the face is still there. So I’m happy but I feel like I can’t truly be 100% happy because before I know it the rug will be pulled from beneath my feet again and I’ll be back to square one. And it’ll crush me.

But worst of all, it’ll crush the people I love.

I hate that this now makes me look at the other side of life. The more pessimistic side… That’s not me. But I have no choice. I have to be realistic.

So this week I am happy. But probably not as happy as I would have been this time last year had I received good news. Because although I am happy, any big fat sunny happiness I have now gets shadowed by the dark and ugly side of cancer. And forever will be no matter how small it may become in the future years… It’ll always be there in the background waiting to pop back up and ruin everything all over again.

On another note, apparently I have shingles! 🙄 I’m an anomaly again as I don’t have the “normal” symptoms. Just a rash on my back, other than that I feel pretty normal… Considering.

It shouldn’t interfere with my chemo on Friday thank goodness but bloody hell… Can’t catch a break at the minute! 😂

Devastation

​OK… So this will probably be my hardest post to write yet.
Devastation. Such a menial word to some. Great destruction or damage. Severe overwhelming shock or grief.
Yep, that pretty much sums everything up…

So yesterday was results day. As you can already predict it wasn’t great. Yes, my “fluffy”, suspicious area on my lung is cancer. I expected that. It has now doubled in size. Shit, that’s not good. It has now spread to my other lung. Fuck… I didn’t expect that.

They used the word “aggressive”. It’s aggressive. For it to double in size and spread in 4 weeks isn’t great.

Its funny, although it’s now spread to my lungs it’s not lung cancer. Well they don’t call it lung cancer. It’s still classed as vaginal cancer even though the original cancer site is clear of cancer. So really I have vaginal cancer but in my lung. Confused? Yeah… It’s weird.

So what’s the plan? More chemotherapy. I start treatment tomorrow. I know, so quick! Well as it’s pretty aggressive they need to start things quickly.

Its looking like I’ll be having 6 rounds of chemotherapy again spaced 21 days apart. That’ll take me right up to Christmas. As always, they can’t really predict what will happen so my treatment plan may change. I’m waiting on a call from my consultant today as there was a big talk about me last night (I’m a pretty big deal you know 😂)

They’re having a big conference about me with all the gynae oncologists. As it was rare for me to get vaginal cancer to start with, as I was so young, I get the impression they don’t really know what will happen. Yes, they’ve seen the cancer spread to the lung before but it’s been in patients over the age of 60. So previous treatment has deteriorated their health so they haven’t been able to take treatment further. I’m an anomaly.

I still think they will throw everything at me to combat this but they can’t guarantee that it’ll work. They just don’t know. It will get to a point where chemotherapy on the body will become too much. It is a poison at the end of the day.

Operating isn’t an option. It’s to unpredictable and it could cause it to spread more. Radiotherapy isn’t an option. There’s too many spots. So chemotherapy it is. At the moment they’re looking to contain and control the cancer. Then they can see what other options are available.

I will lose my hair again. That’s pretty minor in the grand scheme of things.

I’m still keeping positive though.

Although they tell you all the bad things that will happen, coz they have to, I feel fine! I’ve put weight on. I look good, I exercise, I don’t feel wheezy or breathless. I think that’s why it feels so devastating. If I was in pain or having trouble with everyday tasks then you can get to grips with it.

Its such a punch in the face for me, my family and friends.

Its upsetting everyone all over again.