Sometimes bad shit happens

Sorry, I’ve been slacking on the blog posts of late. You’re probably wondering what’s been going on! Well, in all honestly I can say not a lot. And its good!
And I apologise too for the title of this post. It is the only title I could think of where it put my point across well. If you didn’t realise it already then my language is occasionally fruity but it’s honest.

I did manage to finally go away. I took a break to Switzerland for a few days. It’s nice to finally have a plan that sticks!

Today is a pretty important day for me. It’s scan day. I’ll have my CT scan with contrast to see what’s left… Or worst case, if there’s more. I’m not really thinking about it to be honest. It’s like Pandora’s box if I flip that lid. I’ll get round to the worry and sleepless nights on the lead up to results day. There’s a word in the cancer community that I hear a fair bit.

Scanxiety.

I fucking hate that word.

The anxiety of a scan.

It can be a range of things. Anxiety of the scan itself, the preparation of it or just the results. If you’re going through this yourself you’re guaranteed to experience scanxiety at some point. You’re a bloody tough nut if you don’t!

For me, the scan, the needles, the waiting, it’s fine. It’s a process. I can quite easily shut my emotions off for this part and just go with it. There’s nothing more I can do so I just kick back and let the medical staff do their work. I’m just another number in their day, and that’s the sad part. How many people they see each day doing pretty much the same thing.

You know, if there’s one thing I’ve learnt from all this its how to get a good game face. And I don’t mean for the treatment itself or the cancer. Some days you do have to fake it to get by but I don’t mean that.

I’m different these days. Aside from the obvious why I’m different… I mean it in ordinary scenarios in life. And I find that fucking annoying.

But people don’t realise I’m different because I still act the same, unless I talk to them about it. It’s all about my game face. I act the same but inside my world is crumbling.

You’re probably thinking that these scenarios are extreme or that maybe I should avoid putting myself in these situations. That’s probably what I would have said before this because I wouldn’t have understood. But I can’t. Sometimes they just creep up on you like “ah ah ah! Don’t get too comfortable with life! I’m just lurking round the corner to screw your life up again!”

A lot of my internal freak outs are to do with family and death. I know… Morbid.

I’ve always been rational but now I’m thinking of situations where something bad is going to happen or if its a real internal meltdown someone’s going to die.

You’re probably worried about my mental health right now. Honestly it’s fine. I talk about this to my close ones. They know about my lockdowns. They probably don’t realise how often I have to do it but they can’t hold my hand all the time. As I said… It’s a process and something I have to deal with in my new life. I don’t need a therapist as much as you may disagree with me.

It just pisses me off that I’m now thinking of shit I’ve never had to think of before. I could probably resolve this a lot quicker by going and talking to my doctor but I don’t need another pill to pop. It’s intruding my life but it’s not stopping me from living it.

It’s crazy how your mind can fuck you up at times… I actually thought as I stepped on that plane to Switzerland: this plane is going to crash. Not: finally, I’m going on holiday! I’ve never been worried of crashing planes before. That pisses me off. It tarnishes all exciting experiences for me now. I hope one day to get to a comfortable place where disaster is not the first thing I think of.

I guess my worries are because I’ve had cancer doesn’t mean that I’m immune to other bad situations occurring. Bad things happen in life and there is shit I can do to stop it.

Fucking scanxiety… Yeah that’s not all I’ve got!

A few from Switzerland 🇨🇭✌💜

Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh, whoa, oh, oh, oh, I’m radioactive, radioactive!

As I write this post I’ve just had my 3 month post chemotherapy, radiotherapy and brachytherapy PET/CT scan. Basically the scan that’ll tell me if I’ve kicked cancers big fat hairy butt!
And for the whole day I’ve been pretty chuffed that I can sing Imagine Dragons song Radioactive at the top of my voice and know that it’s true! Well you gotta look at the good side to all this!

I can’t help but feel that this PET/CT scan holds my life in it’s hands more than ever. There’s nothing I can do about the results. What will be will be. I don’t feel like I have cancer anymore but you can never really know. It’ll be a hell of a lot more devastating for me, my family and friends if the results come back that I’m not clear of it. All because I do feel pretty normal again.

Back in January, just 5 lowly months ago, was when I had my first PET/CT scan. It’s hard to believe I’m the same person today. At 5’11” I was 8 1/2 stone, which is just under 54kg. Massively underweight for my height. I was in hospital, not yet fully knowing what I was dealing with… But I’m pretty sure my family did! The sneaky buggers didn’t tell me I was already in a cancer hospital! Haha. Hey, I told you. Before all this I was completely oblivious to cancer! I knew where I was I just didn’t realise it was a cancer hospital.

The PET/CT Scan

So with a PET/CT scan they inject you with some radioactive stuff that goes all round your body and highlights the cancer and any other suspect areas that it may have gone to.

January’s results showed how extensive the cancer was… A 10cm mass and that it was becoming a little bit suspect around my lymph nodes in my stomach region… I wanna call them my illiac nodes? As I said I’m not a doctor but I think that’s what it was.

At this point, although it’s scary knowing how big the cancer is I didn’t care. I was in pain, sleeping most of the day away and barely eating. When you’re in that much discomfort you really don’t care what title it is you’re dealing with. You just wanna feel better. And yeah I had cancer but I always looked at it like it’s cancer, it’s not cancer cancer.

I see cancer adverts these days where they’re telling the actor on screen and they’re devastated. They portray how isolated they feel and how life changing it is and yeah… I can kind of get where they’re coming from but for me, it was never like that. Life goes on.

You don’t want to look so broken to your family all the time. They’re dealing with this as much as you and in a way you could say it’s worse for them. They can’t do anything to help. I slept most of the day away and was in a pretty high drug induced bubble of codeine, oramorph and paracetamol.

How I found out I had cancer

Do you wanna know how I first found out I had cancer? I find it funny but I know my family don’t. They were pretty pissed. Haha.

I had this cancer nurse come round early one morning and gave me a “how to deal with being diagnosed with cancer” leaflet. Turns out this nurse was gonna be my “cancer nurse” I couldn’t stand her… She just wasn’t very good at empathy but tried her hardest, only it turned out being a bit annoying. No… I don’t want to talk about how I’m feeling to you. But thanks.

I just remember getting this leaflet before the doctors had told me and thinking “oh fuck, it is cancer then”. I made a laugh and a joke about it to my mum when she came in but I can tell you she wasn’t best pleased this happened without her there for support and before I had an actual diagnosis!

So yes, today I’m singing radioactive as loud as I can enjoying the fact that it is very relevant to me and revelling in the irony that is my life!