The Trucking Aftermath of Self-pity

The Recovery

So lets talk about what happens with your life after cancer, how it can still affect you well after treatment, when your’re trying to move on and pick up all the pieces after all its destruction!

I’m just writing it as it comes so I apologise if it goes off in places. I guess I’m using it today to vent my frustrations… that’s the whole point of this, isn’t it? It’s just an open diary that everyone can read!

As I’m sure you can tell, I’ve been getting my life back. Day trips out with friends, weddings, festivals. Anything I wanna do, I do, I have over 18 months worth of life to catch up on, you know!

A selection from Truck Fest at the weekend

Cancer Fatigue

Today I am tired. Down to my bones, dog tired. When I get like this It’s hard to move. Everything is sluggish. My movements, My brain. It’s a big self-pity fest and I fucking hate it. I get emotional and cry over the stupidest of things. That just pisses me off more. I am not an irrational person.

The worst of being fatigued is when I get like it my head hurts again. Not headaches I mean the hair follicle pain that I talked about before in Hair today, Gone tomorrow is back. It’s just constantly sore. I can’t touch it, sleep on it and when it’s at its worst wash it. It’s only in patches, running from ear to ear, on what I call my grandpa line. But it stops me from wearing my scarves and headbands for long periods. As you can probably tell from recent Instagram pics it’s growing fast, and up! So I’ve been using headbands to keep it up in this heat.

I’m finding I’m very forgetful at the moment too. I can quite literally be in the middle of a conversation and it’s gone. Or some one can tell me to do something and I’ve forgotten.

We’ve got builders round at the minute and I had to be told repeatedly what the orders of drinks were… and I don’t mean after a few minutes! I mean I was told, instantly forgot, told again, forgot, retold, forgot it’s enough to pull your own hair out! Hurting follicles or not!

Don’t even get me started on today. Working on my laptop, I got up to make said builders a drink (don’t worry, it’s written down now!) and came back to find my glasses. I actually had an “oh shit” moment checking to see if I have become that person who leaves them on their head and walks around aimlessly! But no! I could not find them anywhere! I even went upstairs to find them knowing full well I hadn’t been up there!

Turns out Hugo nicked them and they were down the side of the chair!! How the hell he was so gentle with them beats me but things like this actually makes me feel like I’m going mental… apparently he’s not on my side in all of this!

I’m just frustrated because I feel like I’m being punished for every time I go out and have fun. It’s like a constant “ah ah ah, don’t forget I’m still fucking here!”. I know I can’t expect to escape all this scot-free. That the things I have been through is life changing and most probably damaging to my body. But all I want is a fucking break from it!

It could be possible that within time, the aches, pains, emotional despair and self-pity will ease. If you catch me on a good working day, then I’m good. I’d say I’m like 85% back to my normal self.

This is not going to be a long post today… to be frank, I just can’t be bothered. Any suggestions to help with sore hair follicles will be greatly appreciated. Over the counter painkillers, showers and scalp massaging does not help.

Dirty Old Brasstards – This was a nice little discovery we made when we were trying to avoid the rain on Friday night.

Sunshine, blue skies and 3 more months

Sunshine and blue skies gets the best of us out of funky moods. I hope you all have a lovely weekend! Roll on the spring and summer! ✌🏻

When narcissism is replaced with blissful oblivion

I’m in a really good place right now. I’m not sure what made me turn this corner and see things differently and I can’t tell you the secret on how I did it. It’s just something I’ve noticed in myself in the last few weeks. It’s probably my I-don’t-give-a-fuck-attitude but I don’t think it’s all that.

There’s just contentment. Weird I know in the state my life is in right now. I don’t know how I can explain it… Cancer is very much still in the forefront of my mind 24/7 but I’m not letting it rule my life. I mean obviously it does, but I guess I’m less bothered about it? Oh gosh, this is hard to write… I mean I’m bothered by the status of which direction it’s taking me in my life but I’m dealing with it.

I guess there is no word that exists for how I feel. Because any positive word detracts from what is going on and I’m still very much involved with it all. Positive words make it seem OK and makes it minor but this cancer isn’t minor. It’s a huge, horrible thing going on. It’s up all in my life saying “look at me!”.
Negative words make it all sad and worse than it is. I mean it’s bad… The worst it could be, but if I let that rule my life then I wouldn’t be the person that I am.

It seems strange, but I think my turning point was when I lost my hair. There was something very liberating about it. I really couldn’t give two shits about what people think when they see me. If you knew me a couple of years ago, you would have known I wouldn’t have gone to the supermarket without even doing my make up! πŸ™ˆ I look back on that now and think how shallow?! But then I think it was a time where my biggest dilemma in life was deciding what my plans were for the weekend… Oh how nice it would be to be back there. Narcissism and all.

When I’m out and about I’m very much aware on how people look at me. And to be fair their reactions surprised me. Most people didn’t care. They didn’t do a double take. They didn’t stare. They just went about their normal business.
To be honest though, I only go out when I’m well so they may look at me like I’ve just decided to shave my head. It seems to be a popular thing at the moment.

I say most people because I have seen people stare at me. And weirdly enough it’s the older generation and they’re in no way subtle about it. They literally stop dead still, stand and stare. And they don’t even look away when I catch them doing it! πŸ˜‚ I don’t let them get away with it (that’s the best bit about having cancer, you really don’t give a shit) I’m not sure why the older generation are so obvious. Because those who know me, know subtly is lost on me so they really could get away with it if they’re discreet. I’m not sure what they’re seeing… Maybe I’ll ask next time I catch them staring. A walking time bomb… Cancer… Or just a fashion statement? I’m just not sure.

Now the weather is getting colder I’ve had to buy a hat so I blend in better with everyone else. I don’t care about blending in, but it’s freaking cold when you have no hair!! I’ve also gotta be sensible about these things. I can’t risk getting a cold for how I look for the sake of being defiantly different.

I’m playing the big fun game of waiting again. I don’t really know what’s going on until I’ve had my 3rd round of chemotherapy and they can scan me again to see what the cancer is doing. I’m not so bothered that I’m playing the waiting game this time round. Last time it was torture. The not knowing. But this time… I’m in this blissful place of oblivion. I guess you could say it’s a form of denial. But lately after every waiting game I play I seem to get bad news. So yes, maybe it’s a form of self preservation but I feel good in myself and how I feel, so this waiting game at the moment I am fine with. And I can play it a lot longer if it means I don’t have to find out the outcome. But that will never happen. I will find out my fate eventually no matter how much I mentally scream and cover my ears.

When in doubt just add hairspray!

I’m trying to keep these posts with a bit of variety coz I don’t want to be that boring cancer story. But really how interesting can you keep this topic?

So I lost all my hair. I told you it was happening but I bet you didn’t think it would all happen in one go. Haha. So I had a really good week where I was busy out visiting friends and this was the week where my head hurt. So by that weekend if I really tried I could have pulled it all out. But I wanted to keep it in for the weekend as I was out with friends and I didn’t wanna look like “that” person. So I just hairsprayed the shit out of it all. I figured if hairspray can normally keep a style in place it can keep my hair from falling out too, right? Haha. Well believe me… There was no disaster! It worked! So by the time bank holiday Monday came round I didn’t think I could push it for any longer. So I went outside and just started pulling… And pulling… And pulling. It didn’t hurt. By this point I think it was just sitting in the hair follicle. By the end of it all it looked liked I’d just brushed a big fluffy dog but unfortunately there was no dog to cuddle at the end of it πŸ˜‚

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πŸ‘†πŸ»Yep, all my own! No dogs involved!

I was OK about it all, I mean it took me a while to get used to looking at myself in the mirror every time I came across one and I have major tan line issues going on but I’m OK with it. This is just another factor of cancer I have to deal with. It just annoys me that I now look like the cancer victim. Before I could hide it pretty well and pretend to be normal but there’s no denying what I’m going through now. I’m still not doing the wig route. I don’t see the point. It’s obvious what they are and they’re never nicely made. And the whole head scarf look is worse! That’s just highlighting the fact of what you’re going through. So I may be a beacon of light with my pastey white head but at least I’m still being me.

I haven’t lost my eyebrows or eyelashes yet. I expect I will and I’m gutted that I probably will. Because that is the epitome of “cancer victim” and you lose all your features so you look sick no matter what… But ah well… As with everything else we’ll cross that bridge when I come to it!

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I may blend into the wall in the background but it’s not that bad πŸ˜‚

Hair today, gone tomorrow

It’s been a good week this week. I mean a really good week. This is what I was hoping for going through chemo. I’d have my bad days but I’d also have my really good days where I feel normal again.

Its funny, I look at myself in the mirror and when it’s like now, a good day, I think this doesn’t look like a face of cancer. Unless you know me and what I’m going through you wouldn’t know what I’m battling. I guess it’s a good thing because I have a respite from having cancer dominate my life. I mean on my good days it’s still there lingering in the background. It’s the first thing people ask if I haven’t seen them in a while and I still have to take my daily dose if medication that I never had to do before. But I’m not that sickly person where it’s obvious what’s going on.

Nobody sees me on my bad days. And I mean nobody. The only people who have seen how horrendous my bad days are are my mum, dad and sister. You might think it strange because don’t get me wrong, Β I have a huge support network that would be there for me at a drop of a hat if I asked them to sit with me, Β but I just couldn’t do that. I’m not sure if it’s to protect them or me. There’s a sort of vulnerability being that exposed to someone. They’ll be seeing me at my absolute worst. Maybe I’m being completely selfish by doing this but I just don’t think I could handle it if they treated me differently. I don’t think my absolute closest people would intentionally do that but I don’t want to be treated like I’m fragile. And I don’t want them to carry around that burden of seeing me like that. It’s tough. It’s not pretty. And when it’s bad it’s bad but on the upside when it’s good it’s really good.

I’ve had a lot of conversations recently on the next stages of my treatment and how I’ll be going about it. I think I’ve got a better perspective of it all this time round. Last time I was in pain and I just wanted treatment to get started. I couldn’t tell you what I was thinking or what I was going through coz I can’t remember. I was taking a lot of pain meds and slept 80% of the time.

But this time, I’m aware of quite a lot. Like for example, my head hurts. And I don’t mean I have headaches but I can actually feel that my hair is going to fall out. It’s strange I didn’t know that you could feel it. I’ve never heard any stories of this before so am I the only one that can feel it? Or is it just not talked about? I didn’t feel it happening last time but that could be because I was in pain last time so did the pain of the cancer numb out the pain in my head? The only way I can explain it is it’s a bit like when you have a really bad cold where it’s bordering on flu and your hair hurts. To move it, to brush it, to touch it. Or maybe if you have a really tight ponytail and you take it down at the end of a day and you get that relief but it’s a little sore. It’s kinda like that. I can’t help but imagine these little bugs under my skin munching away on my hair follicles. Haha. I knew what was happening but it’s only on my head I can feel it. I can’t feel it on my arms or legs where other hair is. So maybe my head is just super sensitive at the minute. You might just think I’m being paranoid and a little sensitive to the fact that I know I’m going to lose my hair. I’m not. I can pull my hair out. It’s not normal to tug your hair and be able to see 10+ strands of hair in your hand. Go on, give it a go. I bet you won’t pull any out, maybe just 1 but not a lot. I got mum to clipper my hair the other week when I finished chemo. I didn’t see the point in the 80s bouffant if it was all gonna drop out. I don’t mind it clippered. I’ve been told I can pull it off. Haha.

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Little things have become a little uncomfortable to me now that my head is so sore. Showering my hair takes a lot of courage to do. Just the shampooing motion through my hair hurts. It becomes a little less sensitive after about 5 minutes under the water but it doesn’t completely go away. Even pulling on a jumper over my head hurts. That was a discovery I found out this morning when I got dressed. πŸ™„ it’s even worse when I forget and I go and scratch an itch!

But other than the head, Β things are all really good! I’m out seeing a lot of friends this week. Gotta make the most of it whilst I can!! I bought a skateboard too! πŸ˜‚ maybe I’m being a bit ambitious with that one but I thought it was a good idea! It’s giving me something to do and I can get about on my bad days. Because when it is a bad day I can’t walk very far so I figured on a skateboard I can go further! I don’t think my mum and dad think it’s a very smart idea but hey, it’s getting me out so they’re not gonna say anymore. In time, I guess we will see! Haha