Sometimes bad shit happens

Sorry, I’ve been slacking on the blog posts of late. You’re probably wondering what’s been going on! Well, in all honestly I can say not a lot. And its good!
And I apologise too for the title of this post. It is the only title I could think of where it put my point across well. If you didn’t realise it already then my language is occasionally fruity but it’s honest.

I did manage to finally go away. I took a break to Switzerland for a few days. It’s nice to finally have a plan that sticks!

Today is a pretty important day for me. It’s scan day. I’ll have my CT scan with contrast to see what’s left… Or worst case, if there’s more. I’m not really thinking about it to be honest. It’s like Pandora’s box if I flip that lid. I’ll get round to the worry and sleepless nights on the lead up to results day. There’s a word in the cancer community that I hear a fair bit.

Scanxiety.

I fucking hate that word.

The anxiety of a scan.

It can be a range of things. Anxiety of the scan itself, the preparation of it or just the results. If you’re going through this yourself you’re guaranteed to experience scanxiety at some point. You’re a bloody tough nut if you don’t!

For me, the scan, the needles, the waiting, it’s fine. It’s a process. I can quite easily shut my emotions off for this part and just go with it. There’s nothing more I can do so I just kick back and let the medical staff do their work. I’m just another number in their day, and that’s the sad part. How many people they see each day doing pretty much the same thing.

You know, if there’s one thing I’ve learnt from all this its how to get a good game face. And I don’t mean for the treatment itself or the cancer. Some days you do have to fake it to get by but I don’t mean that.

I’m different these days. Aside from the obvious why I’m different… I mean it in ordinary scenarios in life. And I find that fucking annoying.

But people don’t realise I’m different because I still act the same, unless I talk to them about it. It’s all about my game face. I act the same but inside my world is crumbling.

You’re probably thinking that these scenarios are extreme or that maybe I should avoid putting myself in these situations. That’s probably what I would have said before this because I wouldn’t have understood. But I can’t. Sometimes they just creep up on you like “ah ah ah! Don’t get too comfortable with life! I’m just lurking round the corner to screw your life up again!”

A lot of my internal freak outs are to do with family and death. I know… Morbid.

I’ve always been rational but now I’m thinking of situations where something bad is going to happen or if its a real internal meltdown someone’s going to die.

You’re probably worried about my mental health right now. Honestly it’s fine. I talk about this to my close ones. They know about my lockdowns. They probably don’t realise how often I have to do it but they can’t hold my hand all the time. As I said… It’s a process and something I have to deal with in my new life. I don’t need a therapist as much as you may disagree with me.

It just pisses me off that I’m now thinking of shit I’ve never had to think of before. I could probably resolve this a lot quicker by going and talking to my doctor but I don’t need another pill to pop. It’s intruding my life but it’s not stopping me from living it.

It’s crazy how your mind can fuck you up at times… I actually thought as I stepped on that plane to Switzerland: this plane is going to crash. Not: finally, I’m going on holiday! I’ve never been worried of crashing planes before. That pisses me off. It tarnishes all exciting experiences for me now. I hope one day to get to a comfortable place where disaster is not the first thing I think of.

I guess my worries are because I’ve had cancer doesn’t mean that I’m immune to other bad situations occurring. Bad things happen in life and there is shit I can do to stop it.

Fucking scanxiety… Yeah that’s not all I’ve got!

A few from Switzerland 🇨🇭✌💜

When rationality ups and leaves

What happens when the rational level headed girl I used to be starts to lose her mind?
Its been a long week this week. I expect you all have been looking forward to this short working week so you can relax for the Easter holidays.

My mind has been burning over time. I’m pretty emotional this week. Not over anything in particular just the usual, the next step.

I’m starting to make plans again. I’m off to Switzerland in a few weeks, that was the first plan I made.

A mother fucking holiday.

I’ve been thinking a lot too about what happens after my next scan.

If all goes well it will be work.

I can’t seem to write what I’m feeling at the moment I feel like it’s all over the place.

Work is such a simple step to get back to. Then why does it scare the living shit out of me?

Its not the thought of going back to work. Apart from this whole shit storm that’s been my story for the last 15 months I’ve always worked.

Its the whole what do I do? I feel so fucking lost. As hard as I try to stay the same person that I used to be I’m just not. It’s impossible to be that person anymore.

I had a cough this week. Well… I convinced myself I had a cough. And I convinced myself that this cough was coming from my left side. The left side that they’ve not treated. The left lung that they decided the tumours were too small to treat with radiotherapy.

How do you keep a rational and level head? I’ve forgotten.

I will forever be this person that is a hypochondriac that thinks they are dying of cancer before anything else.

I was asked a few weeks ago if I’ve ever considered not making cancer my life.

Kind insensitive right? It’s shitty comments like that that stick with me. It’s hard for it not to. Is that how people see me now? This boring cancer story. It wasn’t meant in a malicious way or for me to take so sensitively… But how can I not? This is my life now.

My friend was explaining to me her feeling of anxiousness. I’ve never really understood anxiety having never experienced it myself. I understand the workings of it. And I’ve always respected those who have to deal with it but I’ve never really experienced it for real.

I wouldn’t say I have anxiety. (Reading this you would probably say that I do) But I don’t.
I just actually understand it now. You know that lump in your throat that you get when you feel a little emotional but you don’t want to show it? And you try to swallow to get rid of it but that doesn’t work? I’ve got that but instead of my throat it’s in my chest like right under my sternum. And it’s not a little lump it’s the size of a tennis ball I would say. It’s not always there. It just crops up when I’m making plans.

What if I have to cancel them?
What if I get sick?
What if I make people upset again?
What do I do?
How do I live my life?
Do I have a headache coz I’ve not drunk enough water today or is it something else?

It goes on and on and on.

These questions just never shut up.

Its continuously going round and round in my head. All I want is for it to SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP.

19 Days and counting…

It’s strange, I don’t really have anything interesting going on this week. Mum’s gone back to work now that I can function better and actually look after myself. Haha. It’s great, because it means our life is returning to some sort of semblance… but it’s not quite there yet.

I’m still waiting. That dreaded awful waiting. I can’t really do anything until I know what will happen. It’s like the big fat elephant in the room. I’m trying to give my life a bit more of a routine so I won’t end up a lazy slob addicted to daytime TV. I’m trying to exercise in the day and give myself a bit of a better diet. I don’t eat bad as it is but the last load of antibiotics they put me on has really knocked me for six and I need to find my balance within myself again. The trouble is as soon as I’ve distracted myself with some sort of task that elephant is back there staring me in the face. It’s funny, looking at me now you could pass me in the street and you wouldn’t even know anything is wrong. I’ve done a complete 180 and I would say I’ve returned to health like before all this happened. I try to look back and find where it all went wrong… December was definitely a write off and November was a bit icky but I wouldn’t have said I was bad then. I guess it all started to go wrong in October… Or well obviously go wrong looking at it now.

I’ve never been much of a complainer when it comes to life. I always try to see the positive things and I’m pretty sure in my whole working career, from the age of 16, I’ve only ever taken one sick day… I know right, one! And even then I remember phoning up work worrying that I didn’t sound sick enough. I guess on that side of things I’m a bit of a goody two shoes. There has been many a time where I’ve gone out the night before a shift, partied hard but still rocked up to work wearing last nights make up, having only had 3 hours sleep, if that, hanging out of my arse bitching about why I didn’t pull a sickie. But I always managed to get myself to work and… semi function. Even if I felt rough as hell I saw it as my own fault. I did this to myself so I have to carry on. Now, my hardcore party days are pretty much behind me, they’re few and far between so I’d say I’m probably more of an all-day-catch-up-with-friends-drinker now than a go-wild-until-the-sun-comes-up-party-animal.

I don’t want to live my life stuck in a rut. Finding that I’m working to live and never going anywhere. I said when I was going through treatment that I’m gonna make the most of this summer. If I want to go to the coast. I’d go. I’ll see friends up north, down south, wherever they are I’m going, and I’ll do what I want without the restrictions. But in reality, is that even possible? I have to work if I want to go and do these things. I want what everyone says they want, full-time pay with part-time hours. Its just never enough. You want more and more and more. But I’m gonna try. I’m gonna try and not let my life become too predictable. I’m gonna try and go and do all the things I want. I’m gonna try and find that job that has a full-time wage with part-time hours. Haha.

Me and my sister have made this plan to travel a bit next year. For years we’ve kept saying we’re gonna go here, we’re gonna go there and life just got in the way and we never organised it. So when all this cancer crap kicked off that’s the first thing we said. We’re gonna do it. If cancer isn’t a good enough opportunity then when is?! So when I was going daily to my bloody radiotherapy appointments that’s what I focused on. “This time next year I’ll be here…” “This time next year I’ll be there…” It started to become a bit of a mantra for me. Because life was moving on for everyone around me and you try not to resent it but it’s hard.

We’re gonna try and get flights out of the country for the end of the year. That’s when the shit hit the fan and life really flipped on its axis. So we thought it would be quite fitting to be going out and around a different country a year to the day since my diagnosis, a year to the day that chemo started, a year to the day radiotherapy started and so on. Trouble is, this whole waiting again has put this on hold. I can’t book my flights yet. What if I end up having treatment again?

Ergh… This is just so annoying now.

I hate this.

I hate it.

Its driving me crazy that I am semi normal again but I can’t do anything! I’m fidgeting. Which is a good thing when you think about it because it must mean I’m recovering well. When I was poorly it was hard to keep focus on anything. I’d just sleep the majority of the time but now I’m bored! I can’t direct my life back on track if I don’t know what is ahead of me.

People keep saying to me that they think these latest results is just an infection. Which is really sweet and I’m grateful for their positive thinking and kind wishes but I can’t think like that. I think its cancer. At least that way I can’t be disappointed if they tell me it is. I’d have already prepared myself. If I start thinking it’s an infection now then it will kill me to know     (…Can I say that? “Kill me to know”? Screw it I’m gonna say it) that I’ve still got cancer.

13 days until my next scan

19 day until I know what my next step in life will be