The Trucking Aftermath of Self-pity

The Recovery

So lets talk about what happens with your life after cancer, how it can still affect you well after treatment, when your’re trying to move on and pick up all the pieces after all its destruction!

I’m just writing it as it comes so I apologise if it goes off in places. I guess I’m using it today to vent my frustrations… that’s the whole point of this, isn’t it? It’s just an open diary that everyone can read!

As I’m sure you can tell, I’ve been getting my life back. Day trips out with friends, weddings, festivals. Anything I wanna do, I do, I have over 18 months worth of life to catch up on, you know!

A selection from Truck Fest at the weekend

Cancer Fatigue

Today I am tired. Down to my bones, dog tired. When I get like this It’s hard to move. Everything is sluggish. My movements, My brain. It’s a big self-pity fest and I fucking hate it. I get emotional and cry over the stupidest of things. That just pisses me off more. I am not an irrational person.

The worst of being fatigued is when I get like it my head hurts again. Not headaches I mean the hair follicle pain that I talked about before in Hair today, Gone tomorrow is back. It’s just constantly sore. I can’t touch it, sleep on it and when it’s at its worst wash it. It’s only in patches, running from ear to ear, on what I call my grandpa line. But it stops me from wearing my scarves and headbands for long periods. As you can probably tell from recent Instagram pics it’s growing fast, and up! So I’ve been using headbands to keep it up in this heat.

I’m finding I’m very forgetful at the moment too. I can quite literally be in the middle of a conversation and it’s gone. Or some one can tell me to do something and I’ve forgotten.

We’ve got builders round at the minute and I had to be told repeatedly what the orders of drinks were… and I don’t mean after a few minutes! I mean I was told, instantly forgot, told again, forgot, retold, forgot it’s enough to pull your own hair out! Hurting follicles or not!

Don’t even get me started on today. Working on my laptop, I got up to make said builders a drink (don’t worry, it’s written down now!) and came back to find my glasses. I actually had an “oh shit” moment checking to see if I have become that person who leaves them on their head and walks around aimlessly! But no! I could not find them anywhere! I even went upstairs to find them knowing full well I hadn’t been up there!

Turns out Hugo nicked them and they were down the side of the chair!! How the hell he was so gentle with them beats me but things like this actually makes me feel like I’m going mental… apparently he’s not on my side in all of this!

I’m just frustrated because I feel like I’m being punished for every time I go out and have fun. It’s like a constant “ah ah ah, don’t forget I’m still fucking here!”. I know I can’t expect to escape all this scot-free. That the things I have been through is life changing and most probably damaging to my body. But all I want is a fucking break from it!

It could be possible that within time, the aches, pains, emotional despair and self-pity will ease. If you catch me on a good working day, then I’m good. I’d say I’m like 85% back to my normal self.

This is not going to be a long post today… to be frank, I just can’t be bothered. Any suggestions to help with sore hair follicles will be greatly appreciated. Over the counter painkillers, showers and scalp massaging does not help.

Dirty Old Brasstards – This was a nice little discovery we made when we were trying to avoid the rain on Friday night.

The Happy Smiling Girl

The Happy Smiling Cancer Girl

I turn 30 this week… I find it a little surreal. 9 months ago I couldn’t see myself getting to this point. Not because I didn’t think I’d be alive to see it but because your life get puts on hold and you just can’t see the future.

I’ve been a bit quiet since getting my latest results. I couldn’t trust my emotions for a while, and describe how I actually felt. It’s a bizzare feeling getting declared no evidence of disease. You would think it’s all happiness and good vibes but in reality it’s just as emotional and soul destroying as the bad news.

You’re probably wondering how.

Well my first thought after getting my good news was “well what was the fucking point of all that?”

For the last 18 months my life has been thrown inside out and has been destroyed. Anything previous that I had achieved became meaningless. Forever more my life will be tainted by this stupid fucking disease.

So yes, although I breathed a sigh of relief, and I am at a point that I dreamed I would never reach, I can’t help being pissed.

I will still be living my life in 3 month periods and this will probably be like this for a while until (if it gets that far) I’m clear for a while then it’ll go to 6 months, 1 year and so on.

My oncologists doesn’t want to expose me too much to CT scans and such. I’ve had a hell of a lot of exposure to it already and there is just no knowing what I will need in the future. So at the moment, I’m rotating between chest x-rays and CT scans.

Chest x-rays because they expect it to come back there first. Basically where the tumour on the left lung was, the tumour they never treated with radiotherapy because it was too small, they never actually expected it to go with chemotherapy alone. So my lungs are a weak point.

If I think too hard about it all it really does terrify me what my future may hold. It’s so bloody aggressive when it starts growing. I mean for crying out loud I never even felt any symptoms when it started on my lungs!! How are you meant to be prepared for something that you can’t feel exists?

I asked my oncologists if I could have monthly blood tests or something to detect if its active again. Just my luck my cancer doesn’t show up in the blood results.

For fucks sake! So what do I do?

I live.

I can’t stress over something that I don’t know what will happen.

I feel like I should be. I feel like that if it was anyone else they would be freaking the fuck out over it all but I’m just not. I mean don’t get me wrong, I do have the odd moment of “what the heck” but it’s not often. It’s the usual little late night niggles when you don’t drop of to sleep straight away.

Post traumatic stress disorder is pretty common apparently in cancer survivors. But honestly… I don’t really feel like a survivor. I haven’t survived this. It’s just been put on hold. I’ve not got “the all clear” that everyone talks of and there will be none of this “5 year all clear” stuff. It’s just inactive right now…. Well for all I know it could already be growing again! But I’m not thinking like that… All the time.

It’s hard not to feel like a grenade with the pin out! At any point I could go off and life will be chaos again!

So my what’s next for 30, chapter?

Well I want to use this to my advantage. Believe it or not I have a lot of cancer knowledge under my belt! It’s been a full time job with fuck all to show for it but my life!

I’m never gonna be a millionaire as cancer screws with the finances and your financial security but really… What’s the point in saving for when I’m 80? There’s no guarantee any of us are gonna make it that far, cancer or no cancer!

But whatever way I go out of this world, I wanna be happy with what I have achieved. Cancer is no party, and if I can help one person make their day a bit brighter when going through treatment or after treatment, then I’ve achieved what I set out to do.

I’m not gonna stop my blog. I still enjoy it and there’s still a fair bit of recovery to do. It will also link quite nicely with my next chapter in life.

Life goes on.

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Oh and if you haven’t seen my Instagram page yet, just an update: the curls are WILD!

When the cancer clock keeps on ticking

Cancer…
Cancer…
Cancer…
It doesn’t get better the more you say it does it. Damn.

I’m in this bloody lingering place of limbo again 🙄 I feel so useless. I feel forgotten.

All I’m doing is waiting until they can scan me again in a couple of months. When you’re going through treatment you feel so awful physically but you feel good (or at least I did) mentally because you know something is being done.

I’m waiting on fate to give me some luck now. It’s out of my hands. Fate has not given me much luck previously. Fate is a bitch.

My story isn’t so juicy when you’re waiting so you tend to lose a lot of interest from followers. I’m not at the start of diagnosis where it’s a shock to everyone and I’m not dying right now so there’s just no juicy gossip to pass on. I’m stagnant with my diagnosis at the minute.

I’ve taken to reading a lot of cancer stories in the newspapers lately. It’s probably because they catch you with the title “woman, 22, survives cancer against all odds” or “man survives cancer by eating lemons”. They like to draw you in with the catchy and unbelievable titles 😂 …and man alive… Am I gullible. But to be fair once the cancer train has hit you its hard to pass over these stories.

You have to go careful when reading these stories in the media. I feel like everyday I am coming across some natural remedy that will beat cancer. Some story of some person who was on deaths door and took this magical natural remedy for a period of time and boom! They’re cleared! It’s so hard not to get wrapped up in it all and believe this magical cure can work because sometimes they give you false hope. I’m not feeling hopeless at the minute but I’m feeling realistic. I believe some of these stories are true but I’m also aware on how rare they are. I’m not opposed to trying some new found hippie dippie cure if it works I would try absolutely anything to survive this. I’m very much aware of my internal ticking clock that cancer is now dominating. Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock…

I’m not going to tell you what hippie dippie remedies I’m trying because I don’t know if it’ll work and I don’t want to give others false hope. I’m also doing it for other reasons too that aren’t just related to cancer.

My body has aged. I don’t know how old my body is now but it’s certainly not the nearly 30 year old I am. It’s probably at least doubled in age. I wake up in the mornings unable to move my hands straight away. There are pains in my knuckles. It takes me a good couple of hours to loosen up in the mornings and feel like I can start the day. My knees at the end of the day ache. Like deep down in the bone hurt. Bending to sit hurts and getting up and down off the floor now means I make those old people noises I never did before. If I’m really tired they sometimes give way and I get a bit unstable with my balance.

These hippie dippie natural treatments that you hear about will never be researched further if they do work. Drug companies can’t patent a natural formula so it’s not profitable for them. It’s all to do with politics. But I’m also aware that if it did get to a serious stage where I’ve exhausted all medical treatment options I will never be offered a clinical trial. My cancer is just too rare. Clinical trials are for the “popular” cancers.

I am doing my own thing. I do my bit of research and I choose my own path. I’m not shunning medical treatment. Please don’t interpret this into something else. I’ve finished my treatment so it will not affect any medication or treatment plan. I just feel like I’m waiting on something that’s out of my hands and I want to take back control.

If I have to go back onto treatment then I will talk to my consultant or I will stop what I am doing if I am advised to. I still have my faith in my medical team. I just feel like because I’m not dying right now I’m not important to them. Which is great! It is! I’ve come to the other side that I thought I’d never reach but I’m also in no man’s land.

Its hard being left with your own thoughts. Your mind can be so torturous sometimes.

On a happier note, I went to a wedding on the weekend. My best friend of 19 years… Yes, Emily… That is correct, 19 years! Got married! I was super excited for the weekend not only for her but for me too! When she first planned her wedding I could not give any solid answer to her RSVP because I didn’t think I’d be well enough. At the start of her engagement it was hard for me to see 7 days ahead let alone 8 months! Wow… 8 months. Look how far I’ve come! 8 months ago I had just been told my cancer had gone metastatic and I went back on an immediate chemo plan.

So with all these wobbly moments where I feel lost, forgotten and unknown I just need to remember how far I’ve come. How much stronger I am physically and mentally now.

Not cancerous enough

It’s been a week of mixed emotions this week. So I received my phone call from my consultant for the next plan of action and I can’t say I was best pleased with the plan.
And strangely enough I surprise myself by saying this.

So the right lung where the bigger tumor is will be treated with radiotherapy. This will begin this week and I’ll have 12 sessions. 12 sessions seem like a piece of cake after my 36 sessions last year!

And the left lung? Well they’re just going to leave it.

Apparently chemo has worked too well. I’ve been told I shouldn’t have improved so much between the scan after chemo 3 and the scan after chemo 6. They generally don’t see any difference between the 2 scans so to find it’s shrunk again means I don’t fit into the normal cancer category… Again.

So basically the left lung doesn’t show a distinctive enough tumor. Which is great! Hooray! I’ve kinda beat cancer!

But because the left side is so small they can’t really target it with radiotherapy… So now it’s too small.

They’ve decided to just leave it to see what happens.

Hence why my mixed emotions. I’ve been conditioned so much through treatment that treatment is good, treatment is important that it seems impossible for me to see this in a good way.

I feel like they’re leaving me to walk this dangerous tightrope of life and cancer. I mean the growths to the lungs occurred within 3 months then doubled in size within a month. This is a serious cancer they are dealing with. This is my life!

I trust my consultant and the work she’s done for me but I couldn’t help but cry when she told me that she’s not going to treat the left side. And never in a million years did I think I’d be crying over the thought of not having treatment!! Maybe I shouldn’t have bitched so much about chemo! It obviously worked too well!!

Chemo: it’s not me, it’s you!

I’ve had enough. It’s taking its toll. It’s slowly sucking the life of who I am out of me.
Oh how over dramatic you may think but so very true.
Chemo 6/6… The devil. I am finally… Thank fuck… Done with you.

Its been a while since my last post. It’s all starting to take its toll and it’s hard for me to find the energy from within to concentrate on posts. So I’ve finally had my last chemo. It was delayed by a week due to my blood count being too low and dropping. I’ve had that the last few sessions but the bloods always rose when they tested it again. This time the chemo has finally shown its affects. I had a feeling this was going to happen.

After chemo 5 it took me much longer than normal to recover. I suffered quite badly with sickness and picked up a stomach bug (not the pooping kind, 😂 the awful cramps and can’t keep food down kind) from somewhere too. Scared my dad half to death by passing out and just generally felt like death warmed up for longer than necessary.

Chemo 6 has pretty much been the same. With a good 3 hours of last night throwing up 10/11 times hurling nothing but bile and generally wishing it would stop I’ve reached my limit. I mean… Not my limit limit as in treatment… Just my limit with chemo. I fucking hate it. I hate the incapacity I seem to have as a human being. For crying out loud who cries because they put their t-shirt on the wrong way this morning? I am emotionally and physically exhausted.

The one amazing thing I have to be thankful for to is to the nurses up at the Churchill hospital for being so accommodating to me. As chemo was meant to finish by the end of November it meant I had the whole of December free of treatment… Well technically I have a scan on the 28th but I’m not counting that. Being delayed an extra week they pacified me with my request and set me up for the 30th instead of the 1st 😇 it may seem silly to you because I still feel rubbish for the first part of December but these days there’s not a lot to look forward to so let me have my silly moment 😂

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That’s it… I’m DONE!

Double, double tinder and trouble; Fuck you burns and cynicism bubbles.

You know this one will probably be a fairly emotional one… For me, probably not you. It’s probably something you don’t really think about. And I’m not gonna lie… It’s a difficult one for me to write. I’ve debated HARD about whether I should post this… But I said from the start I would show all sides of cancer. The good, the bad and the ugly. No hiding, no editing, no lying.

So the strong, independent, feminist finds this tough to admit.

But sometimes I find this lonely.

And not in the sense that cancer is a lonely battlefield that you’re fighting by yourself. I mean it’s just me.

I have my family and friends that I’m forever grateful for but they’re not there when it’s dark. They all go home at the end of the day.

Now,  I’ve always been an independent woman and I’ve never found myself co-dependant on anyone and the thought of myself becoming like that terrifies me. I’d hate to be that girl.

But there are a lot of things I have noticed in this past year that if I was healthy, I would give a good “fuck you” to but I guess as it’s a sensitive spot, cancer and me, I feel like if I ever said anything it would look like an overreaction 🙄 because I have cancer.

Let’s look back on a year ago. Just over a year ago, I had a pretty healthy dating life. I’m not gonna go into the details because that’s unnecessary and I’m very aware there’s family that reads this.

I was still talking to some of these guys when I was first diagnosed back in January. Every single one of them I told the truth and gave them an “out”. All of them said the usual “I’m sorry”, “that’s shit”, blah blah blah… To be fair,  they all were pretty curious and it helped me,  I guess,  deal with it by talking about it. But they all said they wouldn’t just drop me. I mean what kind of guy would that make them?!

Now before you go off on one,  this doesn’t make me a whore. None of it was a relationship. It was dating. Going on dates, chatting, usual 20s dating crap.

Me,  being very cynical,  didn’t believe any of them. I mean if it was flipped would I want to be involved with all that… Probably not. I know… How superficial and arrogant of me.

And now? I don’t hear from a single one of them. Even guys who I knew were interested in me but it never went anywhere don’t talk to me anymore. And I don’t mean this in an arrogant way where I had hundreds of guys chasing me because that’s not the way,  but any interest has now completely dropped. I don’t even get a “hey, how are you going?” I’m not doing this post to be self centred saying that everything should be about me and everyone should ask me how I’m getting on with treatment or whatever,  I’m just explaining how hard it can be adjusting to my new life and knowing that this will be it… I’m not being all woe me, please pity me. It’s just highlighting how different my life is now. This is the reality of cancer.

To be fair, I don’t blame them. I mean who wants to deal with this. But what I do have a problem with is the lies. I gave you all an out. But none of you took it.

So here I say fuck you.

Here I say look at me and how far I’ve come. On my own.

I may always be on my own… And I find that hard to say. I may not. But let’s be realistic it takes a special kind of person to take cancer on and let’s be real… If I couldn’t find that guy before when I was healthy, what’s the chance now! 😂 Especially in this new superficial, narcissistic world of swiping left or right!

I know I wouldn’t want it… If I had the choice that is.

Chemo 21 and counting… 

I’m writing this one from the hospital today. It’s my chemo day. Session 5/6… Well technically I think it’s chemo number 14 altogether. 14… That’s crazy. And that’s 14 sessions not 14 chemos because if you want to get technical with how many actual chemotherapy treatments, as in chemo drugs, it’s 21… I think.

It’s stupid. You would have thought the amount of treatments I’ve had would be engrained in me. But it’s not. It all blurs into one now. I feel like I am here so frequently every session becomes the same. I’ve nearly spent a whole year in this state now… A whole fucking year. What a waste.

I’m finding it all pretty mentally draining now. I’m fine in myself 90% of the time but it can get to Wednesday/Thursday before chemo and it’s like a dark cloud engulfs me. I know what’s coming.

The day of chemo, driving into the hospital, I mentally feel like I’m a petulant 3 year old being dragged in kicking and screaming. On the outside I’m cool and calm taking it all in my stride. But inside… It’s a whole different story. I don’t want to be here anymore. Don’t make me do this. Please.

Its stupid really. I have to have this. Chemo is making me better in the long run. But I can’t tell you how hard it is for me to not cry and say no to something that in the long run will make me better but for the short term make me feel so fucking awful.

I think I’ve just reached my limit. Don’t worry, I’m not giving up or anything and I’m no way near that point yet but I’m just sick and tired of being pricked and poked and scanned and tested.

They took an x-ray of my chest today. Nothings wrong but my consultant just wants to see how things are going. This is to prepare me for the next round of treatment after chemo.

The x-ray will only give a brush over view. It won’t highlight in detail the tumors. But I guess it gives my consultant a bit more of a guide. Apparently I can’t have a PET/CT scan until 6 weeks after my last chemotherapy session. So I guess any scan won’t happen until the new year. At least I’ll have December and Christmas free of all this shit.

Ah man… What a long day. My neutrophils were low today. Which are to do with my white blood cells and how you fight infections with your white blood cells. They like them to be 1.5 and over but blood tests showed they were below at 0.85 so I didn’t actually start chemo til after 2pm… I’ve been at the hospital since 8am 🙄😩 but at least I had it.

Fed up of waiting, I can’t say I was in a great place this morning. You can probably tell from above. I just wanted to go home. But at least I had it. If I didn’t it would have been delayed to next week and that would have just been a faff.

I really think my new puppa Hugo has helped me. It may be coincidental but it’s the first chemo I’ve had that hasn’t made me feel lousy afterwards. I’m tired but that’s pretty normal. Let’s hope for a better weekend. 

The power of puppy cuddles and good brows

I like an easy life these days. Since losing my hair the care for my appearance has dropped a fair bit. I’m not self conscious about my looks or anything,  I’m just not bothered by how people perceive me. From someone who was heavily involved in the beauty industry and had a fairly structured skincare routine from the age of 12 I’ve surprised myself.
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This is me au naturel! Sneaking in cuddles with my new puppa Hugo 😁

I haven’t quite lost all my eyebrows and eyelashes but they’ve massively dropped out. When I’m without make up,  I’m fairly featureless. So without hair and pretty much no eyelashes and eyebrows,  I thought I’d give a few easy products a go!

Before all this cancer drama,  I would say I filled in my eyebrows fairly heavily… Even though I probably didn’t need to. So to find a product that makes my life so much easier without going into the dramatic side of permanent make up makes me scream with delight.

Maybelline’s tattoo brow is a gel like brow product that tints your brows and the surrounding skin.

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I’ve used light brown. I would have normally gone for dark brown but having no hair, I’ve toned down the colour for a more subtle appearance

You apply the gel and leave it on for 20 minutes for an all day wear. Now the best bit that makes my simple easy life all the more better is that if you leave the product on for 2-3 hours it can last up to 3 days!! 🤗

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The colour is harsh but this is just the guide colour! I promise!
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After a couple of hours I peel it off. Go with the hair so you don’t pull any hairs out. Don’t worry it’s very gentle, it doesn’t hurt.

I find as my skin care routine is pretty shocking these days and you’re lucky if you catch me on a day that I shower, I find that the gel tattoo can last me up to 5 days.

Thankfully being a beauty therapist, getting the brow shape matching doesn’t take too much time. However if you’re new to any kind of brow product or don’t feel too confident it’s probably best to practice with a normal brow powder or pencil first. The gel is pretty forgiving in removal if it’s wet and you remove it straight away but if you leave it to set, then it will stain the skin beneath and you’ll be left with that error unless you scrub a fair bit.

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YAY! The brows are back in a nice subtle shade

I tried the new fad of magnetic eyelashes too. They’re an “easier” alternative to strip lashes that use glue. With my eyelashes quite sparse and thin I thought strip lashes would preserve those that I have left as I won’t be aggravating the area like I would if I used mascara and the whole removal process with it. I’m shit with the normal glue strip lashes so the magnetic lashes sounded right up my street!

Well… That one wasn’t such a great one. They ended up making me look like a toy doll. And not in a good way. They stuck on pretty well but they were too straight and unnatural against the lash line and I looked like a twat.

So I’ll keep with my new fave product for brows but that’ll probably be as far as I’ll go.

In other news… Last last week was a pretty rough week! From having shingles, then chemo,  I got a cold straight on top of it all. I have to say it is the absolute WORST I have ever felt during all of this. It is the first time I can say that I actually didn’t want to get out of bed. I pride myself on the the fact that I’ve never moped about and always kept somewhat of a routine. The only reason I did actually get out if bed was because I had a doctors appointment to see how my shingles was going 🙄

Thankfully after some strong pills and a lot of rest and relaxation I’m almost back to normal.

I’ve had a little help in my recovery this week too…

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Meet my new puppa Hugo! 🤗

The happy pessimist

I got some good news for once this week. Chemo is working! My scan from last week has shown an excellent response. The chemo has reduced the size of the tumors and one is barely visible. With this news it will mean that I will continue with the rest of my planned chemotherapy treatments.

I should be happy, right?

And I’m pleased. I am. But I can’t exactly say I’m over the moon, bouncing from room to room, can’t stop smiling happy. And why you ask?

Because this isn’t the end.

Yes, it’s a good result. But how long for?

I told you last time, after the devastating results from my 3 month post treatment scan it’ll shit on any other happy news in the future. And it really has.

I’m pleased. I am. And I’m happy for my family and friends that they’re finally hearing something good… But it is definitely shadowed by the fact that this isn’t it. Even if it clears up after all of the chemotherapy and whatever treatment follows after, it won’t be the end.

It will most likely come back. It might not be straight away. It could be 5 months, a year, 5 years, 10 years or more but it will at some point return.

Until they figure out a way to completely eradicate it from my lymph or blood… Wherever it is travelling from, its not over.

I’m OK with this. I’d rather it wasn’t this way but I’ve accepted my fate in life. I’m still positive about my diagnosis. Don’t misconceive what I am saying. Just because the news before shat on every other bit of goodness now or in the future, I am still positive about my treatment. I feel good in myself and I won’t let that stop me from living how I want to live.

Its just… I don’t know… The big fat elephant in the room that’s staring me in the face is still there. So I’m happy but I feel like I can’t truly be 100% happy because before I know it the rug will be pulled from beneath my feet again and I’ll be back to square one. And it’ll crush me.

But worst of all, it’ll crush the people I love.

I hate that this now makes me look at the other side of life. The more pessimistic side… That’s not me. But I have no choice. I have to be realistic.

So this week I am happy. But probably not as happy as I would have been this time last year had I received good news. Because although I am happy, any big fat sunny happiness I have now gets shadowed by the dark and ugly side of cancer. And forever will be no matter how small it may become in the future years… It’ll always be there in the background waiting to pop back up and ruin everything all over again.

On another note, apparently I have shingles! 🙄 I’m an anomaly again as I don’t have the “normal” symptoms. Just a rash on my back, other than that I feel pretty normal… Considering.

It shouldn’t interfere with my chemo on Friday thank goodness but bloody hell… Can’t catch a break at the minute! 😂