When rationality ups and leaves

What happens when the rational level headed girl I used to be starts to lose her mind?
Its been a long week this week. I expect you all have been looking forward to this short working week so you can relax for the Easter holidays.

My mind has been burning over time. I’m pretty emotional this week. Not over anything in particular just the usual, the next step.

I’m starting to make plans again. I’m off to Switzerland in a few weeks, that was the first plan I made.

A mother fucking holiday.

I’ve been thinking a lot too about what happens after my next scan.

If all goes well it will be work.

I can’t seem to write what I’m feeling at the moment I feel like it’s all over the place.

Work is such a simple step to get back to. Then why does it scare the living shit out of me?

Its not the thought of going back to work. Apart from this whole shit storm that’s been my story for the last 15 months I’ve always worked.

Its the whole what do I do? I feel so fucking lost. As hard as I try to stay the same person that I used to be I’m just not. It’s impossible to be that person anymore.

I had a cough this week. Well… I convinced myself I had a cough. And I convinced myself that this cough was coming from my left side. The left side that they’ve not treated. The left lung that they decided the tumours were too small to treat with radiotherapy.

How do you keep a rational and level head? I’ve forgotten.

I will forever be this person that is a hypochondriac that thinks they are dying of cancer before anything else.

I was asked a few weeks ago if I’ve ever considered not making cancer my life.

Kind insensitive right? It’s shitty comments like that that stick with me. It’s hard for it not to. Is that how people see me now? This boring cancer story. It wasn’t meant in a malicious way or for me to take so sensitively… But how can I not? This is my life now.

My friend was explaining to me her feeling of anxiousness. I’ve never really understood anxiety having never experienced it myself. I understand the workings of it. And I’ve always respected those who have to deal with it but I’ve never really experienced it for real.

I wouldn’t say I have anxiety. (Reading this you would probably say that I do) But I don’t.
I just actually understand it now. You know that lump in your throat that you get when you feel a little emotional but you don’t want to show it? And you try to swallow to get rid of it but that doesn’t work? I’ve got that but instead of my throat it’s in my chest like right under my sternum. And it’s not a little lump it’s the size of a tennis ball I would say. It’s not always there. It just crops up when I’m making plans.

What if I have to cancel them?
What if I get sick?
What if I make people upset again?
What do I do?
How do I live my life?
Do I have a headache coz I’ve not drunk enough water today or is it something else?

It goes on and on and on.

These questions just never shut up.

Its continuously going round and round in my head. All I want is for it to SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP.

When the cancer clock keeps on ticking

Cancer…
Cancer…
Cancer…
It doesn’t get better the more you say it does it. Damn.

I’m in this bloody lingering place of limbo again 🙄 I feel so useless. I feel forgotten.

All I’m doing is waiting until they can scan me again in a couple of months. When you’re going through treatment you feel so awful physically but you feel good (or at least I did) mentally because you know something is being done.

I’m waiting on fate to give me some luck now. It’s out of my hands. Fate has not given me much luck previously. Fate is a bitch.

My story isn’t so juicy when you’re waiting so you tend to lose a lot of interest from followers. I’m not at the start of diagnosis where it’s a shock to everyone and I’m not dying right now so there’s just no juicy gossip to pass on. I’m stagnant with my diagnosis at the minute.

I’ve taken to reading a lot of cancer stories in the newspapers lately. It’s probably because they catch you with the title “woman, 22, survives cancer against all odds” or “man survives cancer by eating lemons”. They like to draw you in with the catchy and unbelievable titles 😂 …and man alive… Am I gullible. But to be fair once the cancer train has hit you its hard to pass over these stories.

You have to go careful when reading these stories in the media. I feel like everyday I am coming across some natural remedy that will beat cancer. Some story of some person who was on deaths door and took this magical natural remedy for a period of time and boom! They’re cleared! It’s so hard not to get wrapped up in it all and believe this magical cure can work because sometimes they give you false hope. I’m not feeling hopeless at the minute but I’m feeling realistic. I believe some of these stories are true but I’m also aware on how rare they are. I’m not opposed to trying some new found hippie dippie cure if it works I would try absolutely anything to survive this. I’m very much aware of my internal ticking clock that cancer is now dominating. Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock…

I’m not going to tell you what hippie dippie remedies I’m trying because I don’t know if it’ll work and I don’t want to give others false hope. I’m also doing it for other reasons too that aren’t just related to cancer.

My body has aged. I don’t know how old my body is now but it’s certainly not the nearly 30 year old I am. It’s probably at least doubled in age. I wake up in the mornings unable to move my hands straight away. There are pains in my knuckles. It takes me a good couple of hours to loosen up in the mornings and feel like I can start the day. My knees at the end of the day ache. Like deep down in the bone hurt. Bending to sit hurts and getting up and down off the floor now means I make those old people noises I never did before. If I’m really tired they sometimes give way and I get a bit unstable with my balance.

These hippie dippie natural treatments that you hear about will never be researched further if they do work. Drug companies can’t patent a natural formula so it’s not profitable for them. It’s all to do with politics. But I’m also aware that if it did get to a serious stage where I’ve exhausted all medical treatment options I will never be offered a clinical trial. My cancer is just too rare. Clinical trials are for the “popular” cancers.

I am doing my own thing. I do my bit of research and I choose my own path. I’m not shunning medical treatment. Please don’t interpret this into something else. I’ve finished my treatment so it will not affect any medication or treatment plan. I just feel like I’m waiting on something that’s out of my hands and I want to take back control.

If I have to go back onto treatment then I will talk to my consultant or I will stop what I am doing if I am advised to. I still have my faith in my medical team. I just feel like because I’m not dying right now I’m not important to them. Which is great! It is! I’ve come to the other side that I thought I’d never reach but I’m also in no man’s land.

Its hard being left with your own thoughts. Your mind can be so torturous sometimes.

On a happier note, I went to a wedding on the weekend. My best friend of 19 years… Yes, Emily… That is correct, 19 years! Got married! I was super excited for the weekend not only for her but for me too! When she first planned her wedding I could not give any solid answer to her RSVP because I didn’t think I’d be well enough. At the start of her engagement it was hard for me to see 7 days ahead let alone 8 months! Wow… 8 months. Look how far I’ve come! 8 months ago I had just been told my cancer had gone metastatic and I went back on an immediate chemo plan.

So with all these wobbly moments where I feel lost, forgotten and unknown I just need to remember how far I’ve come. How much stronger I am physically and mentally now.

Chemo: it’s not me, it’s you!

I’ve had enough. It’s taking its toll. It’s slowly sucking the life of who I am out of me.
Oh how over dramatic you may think but so very true.
Chemo 6/6… The devil. I am finally… Thank fuck… Done with you.

Its been a while since my last post. It’s all starting to take its toll and it’s hard for me to find the energy from within to concentrate on posts. So I’ve finally had my last chemo. It was delayed by a week due to my blood count being too low and dropping. I’ve had that the last few sessions but the bloods always rose when they tested it again. This time the chemo has finally shown its affects. I had a feeling this was going to happen.

After chemo 5 it took me much longer than normal to recover. I suffered quite badly with sickness and picked up a stomach bug (not the pooping kind, 😂 the awful cramps and can’t keep food down kind) from somewhere too. Scared my dad half to death by passing out and just generally felt like death warmed up for longer than necessary.

Chemo 6 has pretty much been the same. With a good 3 hours of last night throwing up 10/11 times hurling nothing but bile and generally wishing it would stop I’ve reached my limit. I mean… Not my limit limit as in treatment… Just my limit with chemo. I fucking hate it. I hate the incapacity I seem to have as a human being. For crying out loud who cries because they put their t-shirt on the wrong way this morning? I am emotionally and physically exhausted.

The one amazing thing I have to be thankful for to is to the nurses up at the Churchill hospital for being so accommodating to me. As chemo was meant to finish by the end of November it meant I had the whole of December free of treatment… Well technically I have a scan on the 28th but I’m not counting that. Being delayed an extra week they pacified me with my request and set me up for the 30th instead of the 1st 😇 it may seem silly to you because I still feel rubbish for the first part of December but these days there’s not a lot to look forward to so let me have my silly moment 😂

dav
That’s it… I’m DONE!

Double, double tinder and trouble; Fuck you burns and cynicism bubbles.

You know this one will probably be a fairly emotional one… For me, probably not you. It’s probably something you don’t really think about. And I’m not gonna lie… It’s a difficult one for me to write. I’ve debated HARD about whether I should post this… But I said from the start I would show all sides of cancer. The good, the bad and the ugly. No hiding, no editing, no lying.

So the strong, independent, feminist finds this tough to admit.

But sometimes I find this lonely.

And not in the sense that cancer is a lonely battlefield that you’re fighting by yourself. I mean it’s just me.

I have my family and friends that I’m forever grateful for but they’re not there when it’s dark. They all go home at the end of the day.

Now,  I’ve always been an independent woman and I’ve never found myself co-dependant on anyone and the thought of myself becoming like that terrifies me. I’d hate to be that girl.

But there are a lot of things I have noticed in this past year that if I was healthy, I would give a good “fuck you” to but I guess as it’s a sensitive spot, cancer and me, I feel like if I ever said anything it would look like an overreaction 🙄 because I have cancer.

Let’s look back on a year ago. Just over a year ago, I had a pretty healthy dating life. I’m not gonna go into the details because that’s unnecessary and I’m very aware there’s family that reads this.

I was still talking to some of these guys when I was first diagnosed back in January. Every single one of them I told the truth and gave them an “out”. All of them said the usual “I’m sorry”, “that’s shit”, blah blah blah… To be fair,  they all were pretty curious and it helped me,  I guess,  deal with it by talking about it. But they all said they wouldn’t just drop me. I mean what kind of guy would that make them?!

Now before you go off on one,  this doesn’t make me a whore. None of it was a relationship. It was dating. Going on dates, chatting, usual 20s dating crap.

Me,  being very cynical,  didn’t believe any of them. I mean if it was flipped would I want to be involved with all that… Probably not. I know… How superficial and arrogant of me.

And now? I don’t hear from a single one of them. Even guys who I knew were interested in me but it never went anywhere don’t talk to me anymore. And I don’t mean this in an arrogant way where I had hundreds of guys chasing me because that’s not the way,  but any interest has now completely dropped. I don’t even get a “hey, how are you going?” I’m not doing this post to be self centred saying that everything should be about me and everyone should ask me how I’m getting on with treatment or whatever,  I’m just explaining how hard it can be adjusting to my new life and knowing that this will be it… I’m not being all woe me, please pity me. It’s just highlighting how different my life is now. This is the reality of cancer.

To be fair, I don’t blame them. I mean who wants to deal with this. But what I do have a problem with is the lies. I gave you all an out. But none of you took it.

So here I say fuck you.

Here I say look at me and how far I’ve come. On my own.

I may always be on my own… And I find that hard to say. I may not. But let’s be realistic it takes a special kind of person to take cancer on and let’s be real… If I couldn’t find that guy before when I was healthy, what’s the chance now! 😂 Especially in this new superficial, narcissistic world of swiping left or right!

I know I wouldn’t want it… If I had the choice that is.